First of all i'm not talking about my issues for pity so you can drop that right away.I don't want people to feel sorry for me, that's not why i'm talking about stuff.This is my life.. I'm sure it would've sounded a lot more different if it was..just that, different.But it's not..this is it and this is me. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me.It feels pathetic..

Anywho..

I have realized.. my recent issues with myself have been about my lack of parenting, mostly from my father. I don't miss him as a person but I miss the fatherly influence in my life and I don't know what happened, but somehow I started feeling lost.I realized that my relationship to myself and my faith is warped because of my dad. I've been looking for a father figure for over a month now and I have no idea why.What pushed me to that point.It's completely unexpected but it just dawned on me today.Weird..

It's pretty freudian.My relationship to the christian faith.As I talked about before, i've been flirting with christianity for a month now and it's been all wrong for me.Mostly because i've never identified myself as being a christian.Ever..It's never made any sense what so ever. And the reason I fell so damn hard now, seperating myself from those thoughts was.. that I had so say goodbye to that father figure all over again.I'm not sure how it works, but emotionally it did.

Dad.. I don't miss him as  a person but obviously I miss him as a dad.

My aunts keep analyzing me to make sure i'm not suffering from this loss.Keep asking me why I don't miss him more than I do, keep wondering if i'm searching for him etc.I'm not.. I dropped the hunt quite some time ago but they haven't.I tried to tell myself I was too damn independent to feel anything about it. To feel anything at all for him.But yeah..I am.I do feel.. I feel it's a damn shame I don't have a dad sometimes. These feelings have surfaced and I guess I have to deal with them again. They'll probably keep coming back to me from time to time for the rest of my life, but yeah.. Through therapy I learned to distance myself.To rebuild myself without that need in my life and it was good.It made me pretty strong and yeah..I guess I've just forgotten what I was taught. The thing is though.. Before these years in therapy I had no idea how to deal with myself without the "needs" that have come with the loss.I had no idea how life could feel not living my life through that loss.But now I do..so I guess I just have to retrace my steps yet again and fall back, into my self and my own strengh again.

I wish I had that confirmation that comes with having a father in my life.I have this idea that i've had all my life what it would be like having a good father.Looking at my friends families etc.. i've formed this image of what it would be like having someone there who's proud of you, who you can depend on always being there, who you can trust and lean on.Who loves you unconditionally, who knows what's right and who you can count on no matter what. That's the idea I have of a father in my mind.I don't know if it works that way but i've seen some people doing just that for their kids. And that's how I saw God in my christian escapades. Sadly yeah.. i'm not christian it's just that what feels like a lie with religion. It's not a real parent, it's an imaginary and I'd think it's better for me to just face the facts and rebuild myself again on my own terms. Giving myself all of that somehow.I don't know how but yeah..just accepting myself for who I am.

It's hard.. but I belive it's a whole lot easier not to base my self image on the loss of my father. It's a lot more healthy and I guess that, whatever comes out of it is for the best. Now I just have to remember how to do that..remember what I was taught and move on.

Btw ..

I know I talk a lot about therapy. It's not therapy that makes you insane people. You're not a "nut" if you go someplace to just talk about stuff. It's even crazier to pretend your life's all dandy when you're falling apart inside, and it would be even more crazy not talking about stuff when you've been through some of the stuff I have.Rape, death, parental loss.. alcoholism etcetc..

that's insane.So drop the whole "Nut job" idea and FUCKING GROW UP!LIFE IS HARD AND IT'S NOT FAIR SO DEAL WITH IT! APES!!

yeah..my mood's going up and down right now.Trying to stay focused on the present and it works from time to time.But I can't run from my feelings so i'll be truthful.Maybe that'll help..

Had a talk with my mom.As usual her issues comes before everybody elses, no matter what day it is.Wether it's mine or my kidsisters birthday..which It was today, or yesterday.I was at her party today.

My mom started talking about her depression, how depressed she was during her recent divorce.Explained that she wanted to kill herself, but she stayed put for her "babies".Yeah it's never been about the babies..She just couldn't stand the fact that she might be seen as what she is, a bad mother.

It's never been about the kids. Ever.. It's been about her all her life.Her feelings, her needs and damn it if the world's not supposed to stop for her whenever she feels like it. A couple of months ago she said something like "OMg I just watched Gilmore Girls and I swear, I'll never be that kind of a mother again having my kids parenting me.From Now on i'll be a real mom to you". Ok that lasted for..3 weeks and now we're back on track.Me nursing her issues and her spewing whatever comes to mind and any given time.No matter if it's her suicidal thoughts or her childhood traumas. I've been taking care of her all my life..A couple of weeks ago she tried to make me swear that I should take care of her when she gets old. She's a 14 year old inside. And she's talked about her death so many times now it's not even funny.I'm sick of it..sick of her putting my babysis through all of that responsbility.I've been trying to make her see a schrink but she keeps refusing with the motivation that she doesn't need any help, other than dumping her bullshit all over her kids to take care of.She stopped taking her anti dep.pills a couple of months ago.She felt "cured".Now she's a lot more lucid ,not as much a braindead zombie as before but she's down again.Yeah..

I feel so damn lonely in all of this.Keep thinking about my dad, that old junkie/alcoholic who disappeared on me when I was 8.Just knowing if it would make a difference if he'd ever show up again.It wouldn't mend anything,anything at all. So I'm lonely..Yes..In desperate need of support at the moment, with all my sweet and loving friends "being there" for me like i'm a fucking victim.All I want is to feel better and move on.I'm not a victim so don't feel sorry for me.Don't think you're making me a service by behaving like i'll break..

I just wanna feel better.

God..what do I have to do to feel better? what do I need? I keep asking myself that over and over again..what do I need?

I need.. to feel strong again.Secure..inside.And how do I do that? I have NO idea.

I completely lost faith in myself, turning my back on that confusing form of "faith" I had and have had for quite some time now.Sadly Most of that faith involved the way I felt about Love .Love for myself etc..trying to find my way back to my original beliefsystem but yeah..appearently I needed to belive in something.Turning away from Love and dismissing it as a part of the "lie" and fucking hypocrazy of this world doesn't work for me..even if I try to make myself belive it does, since it works for so many other people.I can't..I just can't.I can't..I can't keep beliving in God and his saints as if they're all something outside of me, it drives me insane watching the world and walking in the masses footsteps.But not having the strengh in myself to lean on my own shoulders doesn't work for me either.I just don't know what to do anymore..I feel so damn lost.

I just want to scream.In some crazy way it feels as I've left a meaningful relationship and my heart is breaking. On the other hand I know, i left myself and nothing else.God.. My soul feels split in half. I guess i just have to mourn.And see it as it is. I got my independence back in all of this confusion, but yet I feel alone.But free from that lie.. The lies of this world. I just don't know what to belive anymore.

It's hard to me to have a faith about things.It could be because I use both sides of my brain at the same time..Every question as a thousand answers at all times. In therapy I learned that having a faith would do me good. It would serve my emotional growth.I was all brain back then. I couldn't rationalize my feelings so it made it nearly impossible for me to mend things inside. So I found faith.. and I started growing. But it's hard..

I have my own faith because it's the only thing that makes any sense..for me.

I don't have a religion in that way because there are too many questions, weighing the rational against the spiritual is hard work with an overactive brain.

I put my faith in myself..trying to fuse the scientific world with the spiritual for myself, and it worked. But at the same time there are all these influenses from all around me.Mostly from my childhood, been raised as a buddhist/muslim/christian/pagan.So my brain..recently kind of flew in to the whole pagan, new age/catholic thingy and I crashed completely.Everything started feeling wrong. I couldn't understand why everything started to feel like a lie.My selfasteem crashed and burned and I lost faith in myself. By that time I had allready created an idea about things and yeah..it crashed.I couldn't understand why I started hating myself. Why my faith didn't serve me anymore. I did all the right things but it failed..completely.I didn't get the respons I needed to feel it serving me. So yeah.. I had a meltdown.All last night and now with my friend.I think I scared him..

It's hard to accept oneself just the way you are viewing yourself through the eyes of the world.I've always been a freak. The "odd" one in the class through school and still..by looking the way I do, and chosing a life for myself as it is..

Yeah i'm a freak.But i'm fine with that even though it sometimes bothers me not being accepted.I use both sides of my brain at the same time, that's just how i'm built. In my latest iq test i scored 181, that creates a crack between me and my fellow men just by that.I don't have a country , a political party since I don't belive in politics, favourite football team since i hate ballsports, I don't have a religion or a fixed sexuality.I'm somewhere in between of everything.

That's me..whatever I do there's always someone having an opinion about it.

But..yeah..

this is me. And having a faith in myself is all that works for me. But sometimes I care too much of what other people think about it..mostly because that's how you all define yourselves and life. You need referances at all times to be able to understand yourselves, how to judge your world and the people around you.So I get affected by it.

I'm also an empath..(as I've said earlier..it's nothing supernatural,anyone could develope those "gifts" if they've been under pressure a lot), so I absorb peoples feelings about stuff. That makes the whole "Identity" thing a hard job for me to form and to keep within myself. I'm like a liquid most of the time, not knowing where I begin or end.All I know is that i'm wrong somehow cause I'm not like anybody else. Or most definately right somehow.. depending on how you look at it.

yeah it's hard..

I'll never agree with you, neither will I disagree because i understand that everybody's different and that it what works for everyone individually is the right way for people.Mmm..

I'll try to calm myself down now..take care

Hamnade i en dispyt.Eller kanske inte egentligen men nästan.Om man kan säga så.Har en vän som bor på andra sidan jorden egentligen, vars fru hade blivit svartsjuk på vår kontakt.Nojjig över att jag och hennes karl cybersexade i stort sett.Han hade lämnat ngn dagbok öppen i sitt arbetsrum där han hade skrivit några rader om mig.

Jag vet inte vad jag ska säga.Faktist. Vi har haft en hel del givande diskussioner om metafysik med tanke på att han har studerat det hela livet egentligen. Vi pratar en hel del.Mycket teologi och filosofi ligger på agendan. Nu vet jag inte vad han har skrivit i sin dagbok men ja..jag är helt stum.

För det första är han farfar och skulle kunna vara min far.För det andra bor han på andra sidan jorden så sannorlikheten att vi någonsin skulle träffas och ja ..

är rätt liten.Iofs behöver man inte träffas för att ha cybersex..men tankarna på överhuvudtaget försöka har alltid varit obefintliga.Ehm..

Jag vet inte inte vilken slags relation han och hans fru har haft med tanke på hennes svartsjuka.Hon har tydligen nojjat upp sig över saker tidigare, så..jah..

Men iaf.

Jag.. ehm ..

Hmm.. är lite kluven i var min delaktighet i den här konflikten ligger. Han menade på att jag var "arrogant" för att överhuvudtaget anta att jag hade ngn som helst delaktighet i saken, men oavsett vad är hans fru upprörd.

Ehm.. ja jag vet inte.Han är en god vän och en intressant samtalspartner.Jag känner till hans familj och har hälsat till dem vid flertalet tillfällen. Det var väl ungefär på den nivån jag antog att vår relation låg.Så atte...

Jag  sa till honom att hans fru kunde ta ett snack med mig om det skulle komma på agendan. Så hon kunde få klarhet i min syn på saken eller bara behövde skälla av sig om det vore så.Mer än det kan jag nog inte bidra med.

mmm.. jah..

Han är en bra vän. Och jag är stum..

My facebook account's not working atm I'm not ignoring you.

I'll be online on msn if anybody feels like a chat.

Facebook chatten är åt helvete off just nu..

vad jag ville säga är iaf.Tänker översätta den här texten till engelska också för jag tycker det är förbannat viktigt, så pass att jag inte tycker jag ska behålla det för mig själv.

Jag har gått igenom en filosofi med mig själv ett tag som jag har börjat använda i praktiken. Grejjen är att man kan kontrollera sina tankar.

Jag tror att man har mer kontroll över sitt eget liv än vad man tror, bara man tror på sig själv. Och varför skulle man inte göra det? Vem är det som bestämmer här egentligen? Omständigheterna som man själv har skapat eller en själv?

Upplever man  att man har ett jävla problem här i livet och man sitter fast i tankemönster.Tänk om..

Praktiskt taget, tänk om.Hur skulle du vilja göra egentligen?

vad skulle du välja för dig själv om du nu fick bestämma? Tricket är att inse att man själv bestämmer över omständigheterna, väljer det man skulle ha valt om man kunde bestämma och börja göra det istället.Känner man sig missnöjd över något speciellt räcker det att man accepterar att man känner sig missnöjd över det.Verkligen granskar det óch väljer om. Välj något annat..

Hur skulle du egentligen vilja vara? Tycker inte man ska ljuga för sig själv och säga att man mår toppen när man egentligen mår skit, det finns ingen mening med det.Men belys känslorna, acceptera dem för vad de är och gå vidare.Spinn vidare på nästa spår. Hur vill du ha det egentligen? Kom på vad det är..och välj det istället.Börja forma ditt liv efter den viljan du har så kommer du snart att finna att du sitter just där.I en helt ny situation du inte hade kunnat föreställa dig befinna dig i för en vecka sen.

Det låter som bullshit yes..det är myyycket roligare att må skit för på ngt vis gör det livet så mycket mer intressant att tycka synd om sig själv.Det är ngt förbaskat enkelt och härligt över det.Men står man inte ut med sig själv längre har man alltid rättigheten att ändra på förutsättningarna.Som sagt, vem är det so bestämmer här egentligen? DU är bossen över ditt eget liv..Så det så.Stå upp för den du är och ta tillbaka kontrollen. Du har alltid haft den men av ngn anledning har du troligtvis börjat inbilla dig om att du har förlorat den eller att du inte har rätt till den vilket är bullshit. Du är ingen unge längre..Och ingen kan fixa ditt välmående förutom du själv.

Varför jag överhuvudtaget skriver detta är att jag satt fast i ett tankemönster i förra veckan.Som ni säkerligen märker i mina tidigare bloggar.

Men jag började tänka om.. började omdefinera mina förutsättningar.

Under de två senaste dagarna har jag inte kunnat sova om nätterna pga en oförståerlig känsla av att vara exalterad över mitt liv och vad jag har skapat för mig själv.Jag vaknade i morse faktist..har knappt sovit under hela natten, ja jag är trött som ett as, men jag är lycklig.I måndags förra veckan kunde jag överhuvudtaget inte föreställa mig att jag kunde må så här. Vara glad och pepp överhuvudtaget..Helt sjukt.Men nu känner jag att jag har kontrollen över skiten igen. Det är mitt liv och mina val som avgör hur saker och ting ska bli. Och jag har den förbannade rätigheten att ändra saker och ting liksom alla andra har.

Varför skulle min plats på jorden vara mindre värd än alla andras? Varför skulle min vilja och min röst vara mindre värd?Den är inte det..så jag väljer ngt annat för mig själv.För att jag kan..

I förra veckan kändes allting hopplöst.Kändes som att ngn annan satt i förarsätet till mitt liv.Som ngn annan hade bestämt hur jag skulle känna inför mig själv.Bara för att en annan person hade bestämt att spy sitt eget illamående över hela mitt liv och allting jag är.Man kan undervärdera andra människor hur mycket man vill, men jag tror man måste fråga sig varför det överhuvudtaget är nödvändigt. Tjänar det en att göra det? Hjälper det en själv att göra det? Mår man överhuvudtaget bättre av det eller tror man att man gör det? Känns det verkligen bättre att få andra människor att må skit för att man inte kan hantera sig själv längre? Nej..troligtvis inte.Tror man vet någonstans därinne att man har sig själv att skylla för sin egen inställning gentemot sig själv. Det är det som känns så jävla hopplöst eftersom man troligtvis inte känner att man kan ta sig ur det.Men det kan man..Man kan bestämma sig för att känna annorlunda. Skapa nya förutsättningar för att alla har rätt till det. Kan du bestämma dig för att äta korv till middag istället för spaghetti varje kväll så kan man bestämma sig för hur man vill ha sin framtid, och sitt förhållningssätt gentemot sig själv.

Iaf jag mår bättre..

Jag har fått kontrollen tillbaka..och det känns toppen.

Du bestämmer.

Börja meningar om dig själv med "Jag är...."

Inte "jag är inte..." Jag är i kontroll, jag är blablabla..

Säger du "jag är inte" erkänner du bara för dig själv allt du inte är..och ja ..du är inte det.ok..

Jag är..i kontroll.Och lev därefter.Lev som du är i kontroll.Se till att orden fastnar därinne.Tro på dem..och skapa därefter.

Det är så det funkar:/

Jag vet att jag har pratat om det här förut.

Jantelagen.

På många sätt föredrar jag den amerikanska synsättet bättre.Entrepenör andan, där man snarare uppmanar människor att ta för sig av livet, tro på dig själva etc.

vet att det har gett landet en mild personlighetsstörning då väldigt många människor inte lyckas finna sin plats där men samtidigt.Tanken är fin..

yes we can..

Jantelagen.Som jag sa förr så är vi inte riktigt medvetna om hur djupt det har sjunkit in i den svenska folksjälen. Jag märker det för att jag tänker på det ibland.Missunsamheten och avundsjukan. "Du ska inte tro att du är något".

För att bonden i grannhuset lyckades få sig en plog en gång i tiden som faktist var ny och grannen blev utan."Du ska inte tro att du är något".

Vi har blivit jävligt försiktiga med att klappa oss själva på axeln offentligt.I smyg beundrar människorna som gör det eftersom vi själva inte vågar. Stå upp för oss själva, tycka som vi tycker,tro som vi tror. Inte så förvånande att "lagom" är det enda svenska ordet, i det här landet då alla åsikter tycks vara extrema om man inte tycker som "alla andra".

Vet att jag pratar om det väldigt mycket, men det upphör aldrig att förvåna mig.

Det har berört mig genom min egen självutveckling. Vet att mentaliteten genomsyrar den finska kulturen också. Kanske mer där än ngn annanstans om jag ska vara ärlig. Varje idé och tanke som talar till fördel för en själv slås lätt bort för det "största bästa för alla".Vet inte hur många gånger jag står i konflikt med mina egna känslor.Det finns i mig med. Djupt därinne..det förbannade sabotaget.

Det blir lite foxtrot över det hela.Ett steg fram och två tillbaka.Dansstegen är åt helvete fel jag vet, det är det jag försöker poängtera.

Jag vill påminna mig själv om att det inte spelar ngn roll vad alla andra har.Det finns inget jag inte kan få om jag bara försöker.Jag har lyckats eliminera avundsjukan i mig själv för vad alla andra sysslar med.Men jag har mött ett förbaskat motstånd så snart jag har försökt förverkliga mig själv och mina egna idéer.Det har skapat en rädsla därinne som är allt annat än angenäm.Det är mycket därför jag är så jävla "på" folk att tänka själva.. Försöker eliminera motståndet i min närmaste omgivning.

Det finns ingenting du inte kan få om du bara försöker.Pengar trollar inte fram sig själva. Många bäckar små etc..Man måste börja smått om det är ngt man vill ha.Skapa förutsättningarna innan man ger sig på målet.Men först och främst, ha ett mål. De gånger jag har blivit avundsjuk på andra har jag försökt fundera över om jag verkligen vill ha det där alla andra har.Har oftast kommit på att så inte är fallet.Jag vill ha lyckan och inte själva prylen.. Och hur skapar man lycka? Ja man kommer på hur man ska göra helt enkelt. Inget serverar sig själv.

Man kommer på vad man vill ha och kör på.Möter man motstånd skapar man nya förutsättningar för att ta sig i genom. Man överlever..

Jantelagen..Tog den här texten från wiki:

"Du skall inte tro att du är något.

1. Du skall inte tro att du är lika god som vi.
2. Du skall inte tro att du är klokare än vi.
3. Du skall inte inbilla dig att du är bättre än vi.
4. Du skall inte tro att du vet mer än vi.
5. Du skall inte tro att du är förmer än vi.
6. Du skall inte tro att du duger till något.
7. Du skall inte skratta åt oss.
8. Du skall inte tro att någon bryr sig om dig.
9. Du skall inte tro att du kan lära oss något.
10. Du skall inte tro att du kan lära oss något.

Mmm det kryper i kroppen.Känner ni igen er?

Det gjorde jag också till att börja med.

Det är så jävla vidrigt att det inte finns ngn likhet.Och du undrar varför du är deprimerad.Ser du vad du gör emot dig själv?

I'm in a weird mood..

I'm feeling..happy and that's freaking me out.I actually feel peaceful inside. So naturally I almost gave myself a panicattack since I started to belive I was going insane.I didn't sleep to well last night. Somehow I woke up with all this energy like I was on caffein or something.

Weird..

This last week really bothered me. I felt like crap all week.My depression was eating me. So I started working on feeling better and I guess I had an effect since i'm feeling better now.I'm just not used to feeling content.Haven't felt like this for a long time.Ever since I started at the theater. But whatever I did It must have worked..

I feel..Love. Not that bittersweet kind of love..but I actually feel like I want to be nice to people.Completely out of character.Better bitter things up a bit.

:S

And now i'm tired.Feels like I finally crashed..I should get some sleep but I have stuff to do today.

My therapist should probably have said something like :"Accept feeling this way, it's good for you". But it's weird feeling this dramatic effect on my mood.I really must have broken through to the "happy" parts of my brain as I was aiming for last week. Hmm..

Happythoughts.. Hmm. The wicked witch is finally happy. Yeah it's still freaking me out. Better sabotage it somehow.

So I was bold enough to ask people to spread some love.

I didn't ask them to give up their limbs or give all of their money to charity. I just said..spread some love.As in ..be nice to someone.

But whatever.. who am I to tell people what to do with their lives if they don't feel like it. I'm nobody..

I just had the idea of spreading some love.I don't make people listen to me or do as I say. Just made a suggestion because i'm entitled to being a person on this rock like everybody else.

I don't care..seriously I don't.

I just got this damn idea from our world going down the crapper and it doesn't hurt to be nice to someone for a change. Just being nice to a friend is enough.

My family has an interesting view on stuff. They belive we're all siblings no matter if we're cousins or not. Wether we're envolving our cousins boyfriends etc. we're family..

I know I seem to sugar coat stuff sometimes. Like i'm going too far with the sweetness, claiming my friends are beautyful etc.Sending them hugs and love at any given time. Omg I must be insane right? Like actually doing something nice to the people I care about.Yeah that's fucked up right?

what ever was I thinking? I should put them down and spit on them.Especially my loved ones. Right?Because that's how you roll now adays.

Pathetic..

You know what.. I don't care what you do with your life, don't care about what i'm doing. If I think my friends are hot then I do. That's my problem..

I don't mind the chaos. Just felt like being nice today.

I know..love is Soo lame. It's much more cool to be a hardass at all times. You know I actually did that and I still do.That's a part of my personality.. freaking people out. But sometimes I like enjoying myself with some sugar.

uhhh..yeah..

It's easy to make up your mind when you know what's right. It's easy..when you belive in something.Easy when someone makes up your mind for you. When you can sit back and relax, knowing you've chosen the right thing.Because..why would your advisors be wrong? The ones that care about you, no they must be right.

They have to be right.They seem so convincing, knowing what they're talking about.Defining the rules.

What if you find yourself at some point feeling out of place.And wondering why.

Like there's something wrong in the world or with yourself but you don't know what.

But..everyone seems so happy, that must mean I'm happy.Because there's nothing to be unhappy about.Being happy is good, so i'll do as they say.If I don't they'll stop being happy.And I wont fit in.

Maybe you've found yourself in that situation of actually trying to fit in but not really making it since the rules change all the time. Now there's something else to be happy about.

Yeah.. maybe.

I feel painfully in love. Kind of bittersweet..

Watching Boogienights atm.Depressing at it is from time to time I want to make a statement for my honesty.Pretty sick of running "Happythought" slogans when I don't feel like it.I belive in them out of experience, I'm not one of those people reading that crap in some book and passing them off as personal truths because they make sense.Preaching away like your own personal jesus to fullfill some need I might feel to be noticed, no.Even though i'm trying to remind myself the importance of those things.Atleast for myself..But i'm not that fuckin happy and loving at all times.I want to be honest..

This movie triggered some feelings inside.I'll probably never get rid of them..ever. Some cuts go too deep. Some scars are too big..

REminded me of that fantastic sensation of feeling cheap.

There's a whole in the world filled with nightmares and shit..

Yes..

I was ...

God now i'm thinking about me rotting away the brains of my baby cousins and horrifying my aunt and other familymembers but you know what.

I'm sorry baby but shit happens..right?

Don't read this...

I need to let it out.

when I was 16 I was raped and tortured by my boyfriend/sociopathic schitzophreniac.It went on and off for almost a year.Most of the time spent in his basement.This is the shit in this world..this is it.Read it see it and understand it.Shit happens.Things happen to real people in this world not filtered by the tv screen, because they actually occur.Aswell as there is light and love on this rock there's pain and darkness and hell.It's not cool, it's not awesome..this is it.

These events placed a scar inside of me.Put a mark in my heart that'll never go away. He was my first boyfriend and he took my virginity through pain and fear.

I wanted to die so I tried to kill myself just to get out of the relationship.Thankfully i'm still here but yeah..

Sometimes I still feel like a cheap whore. Because something, the most precious thing was taken away from me .My integrity..someone touched a place in me that was all mine. He took my will, my body and a piece of my soul.. Something that I should've been able to give away, freely..Some scars run too deep.

This experience has given me the opportunity to understand this world. To see one of it's extremes have taught me a lot.For one..that people get hung up on the little things. I've been cheated on, been beaten up, i've been betrayed and hurt..I've hurt myself far too many times and i've hurt other people.

I went through a time in my life I wanted to get even with this world.I wanted to cause pain for the pain that was caused to me. After a while I had to start think about what I chose for myself. By doing these things I had given my life for that monster that had hurt me. He still had the control of my life and I had to make a decision for myself. To stop or to keep going. At that point I had created so much shit for myself I hardly saw a way out. I was an alcoholic..I had to take the consequenses for my actions.The decision was easy... I took the fall. Because I knew better. It's taken years to be able to stand here..and preach about these things i talk about.And truly understand them.. truly. I've seen things.

Mostly through the people I started hanging out with when I was at my worst, murderers, junkies amongst many..

i've seen angels in these people and devils at some points. They were my friends, my closest ones. And I still love them..

I have understood that bad things happen for a reason.May not for a reason we might understand in that moment it occurs.But for a reason.. If we try hard enough for ourselves, if we belive in ourselves and fight we can turn it around.There are no such things as darkness and light but both..they coexist within eachother.We can't cut the world into two halfs, that would mean cutting ourselves in the same way. There aren't just evil people and good ones.Love is not greater than Fear.They are equals and we need them to change.To grow and to move on into something we want to be. To value some sides of us higher than the other ones we damn ourselves in to half lives.And there is the lie.We need to love all sides of ourselves no matter how damn bad we might feel about them at the start.To do that we will find truth.Something true within ourselves.Not denying ourselves the experiences of being complete.

If I wouldn't have had that happen to me.. I wouldn't be able to sit here and understand a truth about myself and this world.I'd be one of those who can decide what party to vote on, what religion to pick and what soccerteam to cheer for. I'd be one of those beliving evil is something we'll find in forreign countries, or in the colour of someones skin. Or something to be seen only through a tv screen. I'd be unaware of my own actions.

yeah.. If we try hard enough. It was a struggle.

All we have Is now. I've lost a lot of family members. To insanity and to the grave. A lot of them..I lost my father when I was a kid. This has taught me that nothing can be taken for granted. That all we have is now.. this moment. It's taught me that it's not what we belive we're doing to other people that counts but what we do any given moment. If i'd ever fall atleast i'm aware of it..and I stand up for it for the priviledge of being human and being allowed to do such things.From time to time..By my fathers disappearence I taught to try to love myself for who I am, wether I have a full family or not.Or atleast the importance of doing so. That parents are individuals too.. By taking care of my mother all my life I was taught that I am strong, and that there aren't any specific ages for people to grow up but it's a process we all have to go through at any given time. That holding on to pain leads to neurosis and that it'll keep you from growing if you want it to.That hell starts from within.It's lead me to stay me..to be brave for myself.To be strong for others and to protect. Not for myself or my personal agenda but for someone else. It made me into a terrific nurse and it took me to the path of saving lives at a few points when my friends almost OD'd.

There are worse things in this world to get hung up on, other than not getting the stuff your friends are getting or getting your heart broken by an asshole. Time moves on.. it always does. And it can never be that bad.Atleast you weren't raped in a basement.

I don't want people to see me as a victim.By doing so you'd be doing me unjustice.I allready had that struggle and I learned from it.I'm proud of that path i made because it made me into that person I am today. So cut it out..shit happens.

I.. ahh..

Hmm..

Evil yeah..

Pretty lose definition wouldn't you agree? Whatever is bad for one person could be good for someone else.If it meant to save a population by killing a single man, is that evil? What is malice.

Evil intentions.Calls for the defintion of evil been used in a cause to entertain.Also a lose definition since it obviously is making someone happy. We can all agree on that happiness is good.Or most of us..

It's hard living on this rock along with people who don't agree with you.

Whenever disaster strikes the mass becomes frightened.We start acting like frightened apes basically.And someone has to pay.Pay for scaring us.

Evil.. being exposed to something that doesn't agree with our own wishes, or acts in a way that bruise our own will or intentions. Yeah.

I'd say it's evil to lie towards ourselves. The act of forcing our own will onto others against their will is to me pretty evil, but if it serves us personally it's good for us.Personally..the thought of having to consider if these actions serve us in the long run, if it resonates with our intent or purpose is something to be considered though. If we'd ever feel bad about it. I belive we have to start asking ourselves who is making us feel guilty.Since guilt is the greatest lie in this world.

Forcing our own will and values on to others against their will.Making other people feel bad about their actions wether they make them feel good or not.Yeah..Lie to yourself some more.I know i'm not innocent..I'm human just like you.

Contemplating evil..I don't belive we should define our actions as good or bad.

It's easy but..yeah.A single man is brilliant, the mass is insane.

We have to start asking ourselves if our actions serve us or not.

At any given moment..to avoid feeling bad about it. Goes together with the whole concept of Love right. Don't feel bad..you didn't know any better but now you do right? Love..

yes we recreate ourselves every second.Evolve every second. By these values and these forces we have in this world, we change, rethink our actions to the goal of feeling "good" about ourselves.Love.. whenever we act in a way that don't serve us our main goal is always love.Feeling bad for betraying ourselves and our original purpose.I find it a comfort to remind myself of my growth at any given moment. We all grow..and we have to.To figure out what we need and what we truly belive. Through love and fear yes..

Evil.. Jebus christ claimed that the greatest sin was a betrayal to reality.I'd like to translate that to.. the greatest sin is a betrayal to truth. What is true.. and it is.

I like to create a crack between us and the mass.Even though this place is to prefer since i'm not done yet.

I prefer the chaos to anything else. I love being wrong.I adore it.. I love the process of growth. I love the chaos in this world. By embracing the "darkness" i'm learning to erase the fear i have for this world. The only thing to fear is fear itself.I fear myself most of all. Because it's natural to fear.. but I love it though. Yes it's a paradox I know.But I do. I love the effect of fear cause it's teaching me more about being me than anything else.I love not being a bistander to this world.I like to get involved in the process. I love fighting for what i belive in because it's my right to do so.I love to provoke..

Know yourself.. always.It serves you..this statement is made out of the view of helping the ones that don't and would like to. And for everyone i'd like to say..

Do what ever you want. Be sure it is what you want and do it.And if it isn't..do something else.

I don't like to help people for the reason of being "good". Whenever I do I want to make sure i'm not doing it for myself.For selfish reasons..sure it makes me feel good to do it, but to profit from someones pain isn't good to me.I don't like to feel obligated to do so. So yeah..I want to make sure I do it for the person i'm doing for and for noone else.Maybe it's whole "nurse" thing..

It doesn't serve me to help people for selfish reasons.So I can feel proud of being such a good person for helping out. So I can pat myself on my back and show to others what a hero I am.It's pathetic..to me.

I've been thinking about the whole.. sexy.. sexuality thing.

My turn ons. I've never been that clear on what I'm attracted to.Listening to my friends and people around me, I guess i've compared my own views with theirs and found myself pretty confused.:S

Well.. hmm.

One thing that made it a bit more clear for me and gave me some kind of relief was when I went to med-school and had to look at bums and genitals on a daily basis. Somehow it became a relief for me not being attracted to the human body.I started thinking about my sexuality and I guess..I'm just not into the body itself.Just by looking at it..no. I can't say if a person is obviously attractive If I can't see their faces. If someone should stand in front of me, stripping or just stand there butt naked I wouldn't react. Just for the stress of it i'd probably start looking at him or her through a medical point of view.Unromantic yes..

But it's not what the body looks like that turns me on.I like eyes though..and what they say.The eyes are the windows to your soul.

I'm more of a ..personality kind of girl. One thing that turns me on is grace and charisma. Knowing there's a brain inside that cranium.People need to have some kind of radiance to get a reaction from me. Confidence.

I'm not saying I don't like to be touched etc.. but just by looking at their bodies does nothing for me.

I can't say if a person is "hot" or not.. :S I need charisma.

Like if someone's wearing something that's considered sexy.I don't see that. All I see is arms and legs and fabric. Yeah so they bought that dress or that shirt..

:S

yeah..hmm. I don't know.It's hard.. to say.

I suffered from severe agoraphobia for years. One of the perks of me falling into my depression in the first place was because of me burning out.I got anxiety syndrome with constant panicattacks. That lead to agoraphobia with a fear of passing out in panic in public.Basically..

That lasted for years.. The fear of stepping out into the world's always in my mind. It's not as bad as it used to be but I have an antisocial streak and I don't appreciate it. It's a constant struggle if I ever fall back into my depression.

I pretty much haven't left my house since christmas.. Oh I went to the store a couple of days ago but that's it. That didn't feel to good either.I had this sense of apathy when I went out. Like I didn't want to be a part of a world that had treated me this badly as they did at my old job.Sounds pathetic i know but the chemicals in my brain don't respond to rational thought. They're just chemicals..The struggle is to find other pathways for my electrical impulses. So they trigger other parts of my brain, parts that are unaffected by my depression and maybe, just maybe my brain will swell down.(there's a slight swelling in the parts affected by depression).

I have a sense of panic in my limbs as we speak.Just at thought of going out there.. knowing where to go.I don't want to run into my old boss and the store where i'm going to is in her neighborhood.-.-

I hate being this weak..

about that blog yesterday..about fear. Well I fight fear everyday..nearly every day. Because I have to..inorder to live a normal life. I'm not afraid but my body is. My body's reacting as it's in terror..With that creeping sensation of something terribly unsettling.

The thing about this disorder is...

If you've been under emotional pressure during some time and somehow managed to surpress those feelings or just ignore them you keep them inside at all times.Even if you try not to think about how you're feeling.

After a while your body starts to react to those emotions as if they were real. It's pretty much like a computer malfunction.Your body starts to react to the stress inside at the wrong situations. It get's into "flee" mode and you might start feeling as you're being attacked by something. Your heart starts racing and your head starts to spinn, you're in terror and you can't see why.There's nothing threatening you.Except for yourself.Your body starts attacking itself.

You can get this "attack" whenever or where ever you are. In the supermarket when you're shopping for groceries.Nothing's attacking you there but your body starts to behave like it's happening.These feelings trigger thougths of "what if". "What if someone sees me having an attack,they might think i'm crazy" or "Oh my heart's pounding so hard, what if i'll pass out or have a heartattack"..completely irrational.Of course these thoughts trigger even more fear and you're just walking into yet another attack.

To end the cycle of attacks you have to face your emotions.Accept them and face them..welcome them. Knowing that they're just feelings and that feelings can't hurt you.And avoid caffeein..

Anyway.. at this moment i'm having this creeping sensation in my skin.And I hate when that happens.. Somehow I have to end the cycle of negative thoughts when I go out. Not to think at all is an option ..

I haven't had a fullblown panicattack in over a year..

I just don't feel like facing my old boss out there. I just quit without telling her.. I should've told her but I was afraid of her reaction being unstable and all.-.- Thought she was gonna bite my head off. i've never had issues with facing people before but there's something with that woman that just terrifies me.

I could probably kick her ass ..and she's probably more afraid of me than i'm of her but still. She got into my brain and I don't like that.

damn.. anyway.. Got to take the bull by it's horns and get out there..

I was in a discussion with a friend about fear.(you know who you are, well If you read this).

I belive the two great forces in this universe is love and fear.They couldn't exist without eachother.They're what makes us grow in our lives and within ourself.Dangling between them both, back and forth over and over again.. When we experience our greatest sensation of love we create by that our greatest fear, in a sense :"What if something happened to ...".We create these "what ifs".Simply and frankly.

I don't belive in fear. Or yes in that sense I do but I don't belive in it controlling my life.I've been through too much..things you couldn't imagine happening to a person here in the west but it has happened. Going through all of these things have made me realize the crippling power fear's had over me. So I decided I'd start to challenge myself, to face all of my fears just to see what the fuzz was all about. And it wasn't that bad.Sure i've had some bad times but it all worked out.

I don't belive in having fear controlling my life.Fear for other people, different cultures, new experiences and sensations.

There's a difference between fear and caution. To be cautious of things you know are bad for you ís an entirely different thing.That's being smart.. But it doesn't have to mean you're afraid of it. You know better and choose not to experience that exact thing.To know better..

Not accepting fear for most things have given me the opportunity not be crippled by it but being smart. I've had the time to rebuild myself into a person that knows what to do if disaster strikes. I'm prepared..so I don't have to think about it.Whatever it is..and I have enough faith in myself to know i'm gonna get myself out of whatever I might get into.And if I break or fall or whatever i've surrounded myself with some great support.

This is life.. shit happens..sometimes. What are you gonna do about it? Stay in your bunker? Or live life as it is..knowing that you wouldn't know love without fear.

I love my demons..I do. And I think everybody should. Love yourself..all sides of yourself. Even the bad ones..they define you.They're the ones that have taken you to this place, to who you are at this moment. But sure..you can't really say you love yourself entirely if you hate some parts of yourself.Right?

But it sounds good saying it..You'd me amazed when you start looking at how you treat yourself. Yes.. you only treat other people as good as you treat yourself. True love starts within.

Fear. yeah.. don't you deserve better than the worst thing there is? The exact opposite of love?Oh well.. Who am I to tell people how to think about themselves.That's not my place..

But it's in my right to talk about whatever I feel like so if this is crap..don't read it.